The fall holidays season. They are supposed to make us think of words like thankful, happy, merry or these: “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” However, for us, the fall holidays are a painful reminder of a loved one’s absence – of a hole in our hearts, of a hole in our lives, of being broken and in pain. During what is regularly perceived as a fun time of traditions and nostalgia, for us may feel especially overwhelming and emotionally devastating. We yearn to go back to a time “that was,” because we hurt now.
This time of year people gather, celebrate at work, the TV commercials have started and the Hallmark “always happy ending” Christmas movies will soon be 24 hours a day. Some of us may like all these things, and yet they are also vivid reminders that this may not be us. And let’s get real, the fall holidays are exhausting even under the best of circumstances! Add to this that grief takes 60% of our energy off the top and, well…yikes!!
So here we are. It’s the fall holidays and we are grieving. When we embrace our grief, give it a voice, and allow our pain to surface, we can experience healing. As we let the feelings of grief to flow through us and allow them to connect us with our loved ones (continuing bonds) we can use these holidays to heal.
Heal? Really? How?
We continue to LOVE.
- Start with YOU! Be kind to you! Seriously, remember the oxygen mask goes on you first! Give yourself the gift of permission to “be.” Just be. Also, it’s important that you ask for what you need. I know personally this is easier said than done, but let’s try, ok? OK!
- Eliminate unnecessary stressors. Watch out for being too busy. You really don’t have to do it all!
- Having down time is important. This takes practice for some of us, and it can be difficult because during down/quiet time thoughts and emotions can feel especially overwhelming. This is ok – to feel is to heal.
- Feel your feelings and express them. Know grief, know healing. We love; therefore, we grieve.
- Break the silence. Speak your loved one’s name, as often as possible. It’s better to create an atmosphere of connection though sadness versus alienation by pretending everything is “ok” or “fine.”
- Tweak traditions. It’s ok to change things up, to not do something you’ve always done, and/or to do something new.
- Implement a 15-20 minute rule. Go to events (or do something), but give yourself an out, and remember when you’re grieving, your energy level is already tapped.
- Exercise and drink LOTS of water. Move around – doesn’t have to be much. If you’re sitting, get up and turn around and/or do some stretches. Maybe try some chair yoga. Plus it’s important to stay hydrated and flush out excess cortisol, the stress hormone that contributes to not being able to concentrate and can lead you to feeling rundown or “meh.”
- B-R-E-A-T-H-E. Try a 4-7-8 breath – inhaling for a count of 4 (think about inhaling one of your favorite scents); hold for a count of 7 and then exhale for a count of 8 (think about blowing out candles). Repeat this sequence several times.
- Remember that healing is a journey. Think of a physical wound. Did it heal instantly? Did it ever get re-injured? Did you ever get a new wound while a current one was healing?
- Practice personal grief rituals. These are things that help us remember our loved one. They give us a sense of connectedness (continuing bonds), healing and peace. Examples could be making your own Dias de los Muertos altar to honor your loved one(s); buying a special candle and lighting it in memory of your loved one; getting a special vase or ornament and filling it “memories” of your loved one; hanging a windchime; remembering something funny and laughing. It’s good to laugh. Grief and yoy can be held at the same time!
And finally, please know that you are not alone on your grief journey!
You have an extended family here with us!
Love lives on! 💖
With extra HUGS,
Susan
