Grief isn’t just about our loved ones who have died. It’s also about the losses of everything that was connected to them.
The death of a loved one changes our world physically, emotionally, psychologically, socially and spiritually.
There is WORK involved in grieving and part of this work is to acknowledge that secondary losses require us to give them their own unique grief responses as well.
These secondary losses, also referred to as hidden losses, can make grief feel even heavier – since they aren’t always acknowledged by those around us. They also shift and change over time – feeling like waves that keep coming at us and knocking us down even when we think we’ve found some solid footing.
UGH…grief is hard!
Here are some examples of secondary losses:
- Loss of identity – We tend to identify ourselves by the role or position we have in a relationship. Death changes this. We can lose our identity as a parent, spouse, child, sibling, etc.
- Loss of support systems – This can include family members, friends, co-workers & community groups.
- Loss of “the familiar” or normalcy – Everything changes in some way after a death – schedules, routines, traditions, relationships, the way we look at life.
- Strained relationships – The emotional strain of grief can cause tension and conflict due to emotional exhaustion, miscommunications and social distancing. Remember, each of us had a different relationship with the person who died.
- Loss of financial security – There may be increased financial stress if the person who died was the primary wage earner; or if there are other debts such as medical bills.
- Loss of confidence – There is often an inability to feel safe after a death loss.
- Loss of health – After a death loss, our chemical balance changes. Physical problems resulting from emotional stress can be exhibited as exhaustion, eating problems, nausea, headaches, muscle knots, back/neck problems, balance problems and anxiety – to name a few. Have I mentioned that grief is hard?
Naming out loud the grief losses we’re experiencing is a step toward healing. A loss is a loss, no matter how big or small. The grief journey we’re on takes time. How much time? I can’t answer this…and yet…
Here are some ways we can navigate our grief losses:
- We need to honor the feelings we have about these losses.
- We need to rebuild routines – they won’t be exactly the way they were before, yet they can still be positive and provide us with a sense of stability.
- We need to seek out “grief-understanding” supportive relationships from friends, family and/or support groups, etc.
- We need to maintain self-care – drink lots of water, move around and B-R-E-A-T-H-E!!!
Remember you are not alone on your grief journey. We can do difficult things with support from others!
LOVE LIVES ON!
HUGS, Susan
